This techie opened her 1st bank account at age 45
Malini's story - from being financially underconfident to financially fierce.
Gratitude to Alexander Grey on Unsplash for the vibrant cover image 🙏
I’ve known my friend Malini S. since I was a 20-something hipster working, partying hard in Mumbai.
She always came across to me as confident, outspoken, vibrant. But as I got to know her story in the last few years, I realised that these qualities belied the reality of her emotional and financial condition. It has been a long journey for Malini to arrive at her truth, and it’s a story that shocks and inspires me.
This techie, dancer, and coach experienced a version of financial abuse, and she courageously agreed to open up about its psychological and financial impact on her life. Alongside, she shares her journey of transformation…
For 25 years I handed over my paycheck
Malini was born in India, into a family that highly values education. She wanted to be an air hostess and travel the world but instead became a teacher. "My father said teaching is a noble profession. My grandfather was a principal of the school that was founded by his father and is still running, and teaching comes naturally to me, so going into teaching was a no-brainer."
Fate was cast in stone. Or not.
When she immigrated to the US after marriage, Malini changed her major and joined the well-paying IT field. In the first 25 years of her professional life in tech, Malini, a mom of two, would religiously hand over her pay cheque to her husband, who would place it in a joint account.
Never asking questions about money
Shopping decisions were made only in her spouse’s presence, and for a long time, she never questioned the status quo. "It was usually about expenses for the kids, house, mortgage, and traveling to India. I did not spend anything on myself. My husband came on all shopping trips, and told me if it was good or bad. Price and value were always deciding factors. "
So, despite having earned for so many years, she never knew what was going on with her own earnings.
Malini introspects to understand how she arrived at this place. She reflects that her early belief system laid the foundation for her financial habits. As in many households, money was never discussed at home.
"Maybe 'cause there was not enough of it and my parents did not want me to know that. Also, I literally went from my father’s house to my husband’s house and he took care of everything. I always thought I was bad in math so shied away from anything money-related."
Malini makes herself vulnerable and admits something even more difficult: “I did not know how to count change until I played monopoly; through the game, my friend showed me how to count money!”
Conversations with women nudged me…
The trigger for change came in the form of conversations with other women. Malini would listen to her female colleagues discussing how they managed spent their earnings through their own bank accounts. Malini had never opened her own bank account. She gradually began to covet the agency in their voices.
"Still, it never struck me to do anything about it; I figured my requirements were different, until one fine day when I needed to send money to my mother. I was asked to give an explanation about how much, for what reason, etc. It ticked me off! " she recalls.
"I felt I should have the freedom to send money to my parents whenever I want - no questions asked."
Malini’s challenge was that she did not have her own bank account. “So, I had no freedom to do anything with my money even though I was also earning. It took a few tries to convince my husband.”
And finally, Malini opened up her first-ever bank account in her own name at the ripe young age of 45.
"It was a game changer!" she says,
As my money grew, so did my confidence
As Malini's confidence grew, a major life event transpired. Due to large-scale restructuring, Malini was laid off from her job.
But instead of seeing it as an obstacle, she saw it as a chance to go on a journey of self-exploration. With her severance package, Malini embarked on her first solo travels.
She went to places she had been yearning to see for a while. But little did she realise then, that it would be the start of a world trip that would unlock dormant passions.
“I had time - the whole year – and money in my pocket, that I could spend without asking permission.”
Malini’s parents’ home in India doubled up as her base. She got a travel card that gave her reward points, and she would often travel to destinations where she had friends. The more she travelled, the more confident she became.
"Sometimes I booked a ticket and then figured out the rest. It was the scariest, most liberating, empowering experience ever. I learned that my cooking is pretty good, age is just a number, and I can live out of a backpack. Also, that I love listening to people’s stories and I am happiest when I am planning the next trip. The biggest learning though was to make decisions quickly. If it is wrong, now we know what to do next time. "
Building a relationship with money
Despite Malini’s lack of financial savviness, she had experienced some beginner's luck with crypto investments. “I was the only woman on a technology team. Everyone was investing in crypto – someone said to try it. One guy put all his money in and lost it. I thought – let me just dabble. I put in $1000 in 2016, and it grew to $ 10,000.”
Malini was now determined to build a relationship with money. She took several steps to transform her financial destiny. She shares them in her own words…
I took a financial literacy class to educate myself, figure out my net worth.
I consolidated all my accounts so I know where all my money is.
I checked out Instagram to follow some amazing women who talk about finances so I am educated about it.
I got a financial planner to look at my finances; now I know how much I need for retirement.
I opened up a brokerage account where I invest regularly.
I ask Malini to express how financial savviness makes her feel. Her response is infectious. It sounds a lot like freedom.
“The feeling is AH-MAZING! I feel empowered cause I understand the lingo and I am not dependent on anyone. I can buy the things I want when I need them, and don’t have to ask for permission.
Sharing the load
Malini believes she is breaking generational barriers by insisting that her kids also earn, learn, and have their own accounts. Her financial savviness has also rubbed off on her family.
For instance, it changed the way her family travels. Earlier the burden fell on her spouse to do bookings and other arrangements since he was handling the finances. She shares, “Trying to coordinate was a nightmare. But one thing that changed everybody’s attitude is keeping the travel spending independent. Everyone is given a budget and they need to do their own bookings.”
“It brought more respect, fewer fights, and people swapped their hacks and savings tips! “
Being an advocate of financial skilling
So, if you’re still wondering - is financial abuse a thing? Yes, it is but it’s not as widely understood, or acknowledged.
Financial abuse has many faces, and women tend to be more prone to it due to patriarchal conditioning. This has resulted in several contradictory scenarios. For instance, women members of a family may earn, budget, and make purchasing decisions. But male members end up owning majority of the assets such real estate, stocks and mutual funds.
Malini’s story offers some insight into how financial abuse affects people, especially women.
No doubt, a lack of financial knowledge, drills a hole in one’s pocket. But discomfort, vulnerability, and lack of agency are some of its by-products. These aspects, collectively, chip away at one’s confidence. Making important life decisions, assertively, becomes a real challenge.
Malini, with her new-found financial savviness, is now proactively paying it forward.
“The most important thing I am doing is talking to my friends about money so we can normalise the conversation. I’m always telling people - create an investment account, max out your 401k, and start a side hustle.”
Malini has done all three. So, kudos to her for her courage and compassion, and for being brave enough to share her intimate money story.
ALSO READ: “To my spouse, I was just a pay cheque”
If you’d like to share your intimate money story and trigger an important conversation, reach out and let’s have a chat. Can’t wait!