“To my spouse, I was just a pay cheque”
How GG emerged stronger from the jaws of financial abuse.
I enjoy writing stories about women and money - their struggles, aspirations, end goals and triumphs. But the hardest ones to write are about financial abuse. They are also the most important ones.
These stories chronicle the real experiences of women who are ready to share difficult journeys, in the hopes that someday, someone can recognise the signs and take action.
I recently spoke to a woman, a single mom in her 30s, who opened up on her journey of financial abuse. To protect her privacy, I’ll refer to her as Graphix Girl or GG, as she loves creating graphic art in her leisure time.
GG shares, “I like earning, seeing my pay cheque coming in and staying there.”
You might wonder – isn’t that what usually happens? Well, for this answer to unravel, it’s important to know to GG’s story.
GG strikes one as a strong-willed, vibrant woman, a loving mom, a passionate career woman. She works remotely as a chartered accountant from her Kolkata home for one of the big 4s, and resides with her parents and little girl. You may wonder how does a savvy woman, a woman of some privilege, land up in a compromised position.
Well, the truth is that there is no one stereotype of a woman who finds herself in a financially abusive situation. It can just about happen to anyone. This is because financial abuse is hard to recognise and label for victims.
In most cases, it sneaks up on those at the receiving end. And this is what happened to GG, too.
“I like being in a position to make things happen for my family. I also love having the agency of taking a call on where to invest my money, “ she shares. “Was there a time when you were not in a position to help you family? “ I asked. “Yes!” was GG’s response.
A life-altering decision
It all began when GG met a young man who went on to become her husband.
When they decided to get married this was their understanding - he would return to his job abroad, while she would continue hers in India for some time and join him in the future.
“Three months into the marriage, he gave me an ultimatum and said that if I did not shift immediately, there would be no hope for us,” she recalls.
The social construct we live in dictates that women must adjust and migrate to live alongside their husbands, where ever they may be. Despite being raised by parents who offered all the tools to make independent decisions, this kind of social conditioning nudged GG to uproot herself and move to a new country. Once there, she secured a job and was earning a pretty packet.
“At this point my husband recommended that I transfer my earnings to his bank account and that he would take care of all the investments, and save for our future.”
GG felt some discomfort with the arrangement, and expressed her concerns. But all resistance was met with assurances that he would “take care of things”. Against her better judgement, she succumbed to the emotional pressure and agreed to the arrangement.
"I was just a pay cheque"
After a few years, GG got pregnant and returned to India to have her baby. She took maternity leave, and decided to spend a year in her home country, after the baby was born. By then her spouse had taken complete control of the purse strings.
“I remember visiting a renowned gynaecologist whose fees were on the higher side. After the appointment, my spouse stepped out in a huff and began dialing his relatives to look for cheaper options. I did not understand the issue – my insurance was going to cover it. So, I went ahead with the same gynaecologist,” she says.
When GG checked her salary account to withdraw some cash, she discovered that the money had been emptied out by her spouse. It troubled GG but she was still unable to put a label to what was happening.
When the baby was born, GG’s spouse summoned her back before one year was up. This time she made a trip on her own, and left the baby with her parents. As luck would have it, she was passed over for a promotion because of her pregnancy and this triggered GG to quit her job.
“My spouse was furious about it because now he would be the sole earning member. This was when it started to dawn on me, that to him, I was just a pay cheque,” she recalls.
Epiphany at the airport
When GG returned to India, her spouse gave her another ultimatum - return abroad and find a job, or else this won’t work out.
“He asked me to bring all along all my baby’s things; it would be too expensive to buy anything, he said. I remember dragging my baby to the airport, lugging all her things along. She started throwing up. When I showed her to the doctor on call, he diagnosed it as an emotional trauma due to separation from her grandparents.”
That day GG never boarded the flight. She took a call to build a new life for herself and her child. “There is no point living with a spouse who has no empathy even for his daughter. “
GG filed for a divorce, and in the settlement her spouse returned less than half of what he had taken from her earnings. It sounds unfair but GG feels it was the right decision.
“Fighting legal battles in court takes time, money and energy. My priority was to take care of my baby and parents, find a new job and start afresh,” she shares in retrospect.
Financial abuse never happens in isolation
Financial abuse is usually laced with other kinds of abuse. In GG’s case there was no physical abuse, but gaslighting routines almost as soon as the marriage took place.
When living abroad, she would complete a 14-hour work day and then handle the domestic labour at home. Financial abuse, manipulation and control went hand-in-hand. “I felt pressured to return home, make some snacks, keep dinner ready. But I always felt there was a deadline to have things in order. I would do things to keep the peace, and avoid huge fights, “she recalls.
If things did not go her spouse’s way, he’d throw a fit, which would escalate into a verbal duel. GG shares an incident that has stayed withe her. She had always been curious about the opera and secured front-row tickets for an evening out. She made sure she informed her spouse one month in advance.
“Last minute, he insisted I accompany him to another engagement, and a fight broke out. Nevertheless, I went to the opera and said I’d join him later. While at the opera, he kept calling/messaging me to hurry up. When I joined him and his friends, he spent all evening making fun of me, saying I am fascinated by western culture, “ she recalls.
At social gatherings her spouse and his friends mostly discussed their own careers. “They led an entitled life. I realise now, that this is just wrong, ” she shares.
Honing the perfect narrative
Looking back, GG believes that marriage to her was the perfect arrangement for her spouse. Not only was he able to secure her earnings to fund his financial kitty, he also got free access to home-cooked meals, laundry services, and other household chores performed by her.
Collectively, they would have cost him a bomb, given that domestic services in the US are expensive. He never contributed towards the well-being of his daughter, either materially, or with his time.
“The truth is that, there really was never a future with him, “ reflects GG, in hindsight.
But the question remains – how did this smart woman not see through such duplicity from the start? Were there any signs?
“He was very crafty, appealing to the things that mattered to me. He would say stuff like - you’ll be my equal partner, we are a team, a unit. He even hinted before the marriage that he might be willing to return to India instead of me shifting abroad, “ she recalls.
Financial predators tend to craft their narratives carefully, based on what they believe their victims want to hear. In this case, he knew GG was a person who enjoyed personal agency, and that she liked taking her own decisions.
Spotting the signs early on
I looked up finance abuse, online, and wasn’t able to find an exact definition. But here are some instances of what counts as financial abuse.
Financial abuse, also referred to as economic abuse, can manifest in multiple ways. These include withholding money, refusing to include you in financial decisions, denial of property rights, not being trusted with money, and coercive appropriation of belongings.
There is little statistical data available to indicate how rampant it is. But suffice to say – financial abuse happens more often, than society is able to admit, and it does serious damage to one’s mental health and bank balance. Hence, prevention is better than cure.
GG outlines some early indicators of financial abuse:
Your date/ fiancée/ spouse pressuring you to reveal financial details and access to bank accounts
Emotionally pressurising/ coercing you to reveal how much one has invested and where
Taking one’s earnings but not being transparent about financial investments you’ve planned for the family
Presumption that women don’t know how to execute financial planning. According to GG, there is an element of gaslighting – “you don’t matter” is what it suggests
At this point, I’d like to add a disclaimer. Discussing one’s financial values, net worth, approach to saving and spending, is not bad per se. Transparency is often a good thing, as it can be a doorway to understand if one shares similar financial values. But if a partner starts coercing you or pressurising you, it’s best to be on guard.
Embracing financial fierceness
Today, GG’s emotional and financial life is looking up, and she has begun to rebuild her nest egg from scratch.
She does all her investments herself, and has diversified her portfolio across fixed-interest instruments, PPF, stocks, and mutual funds. She also takes advantage of a group insurance offered by the chartered accountant’s fraternity.
Despite having a lot of ground to cover, GG is cautiously optimistic. Having emerged wiser from her experiences, she offers up some pearls of wisdom…
Your money is your money. No relationship can dictate it. Be in charge of your finances.
Don’t feel guilty for saying no to someone. Exercise your right to spend your money as you desire.
It takes a lot of effort to get your money back. So, don’t give it away, in the first place!
Touché.
Sharing the intimate details of one’s financial and emotional life is not easy. So, GG has my sincere gratitude for opening up, and taking a step towards destigmatising this difficult conversation.
If you’d like to share your money story and trigger an important conversation, reach out and let’s have a chat. Can’t wait!
PS: The funky featured image is from Freepik
Wow. It really begets belief how highly educated women fall into this trap of emotional subjugation. I have some friends who have been in similar situations and have been victims of physical abuse as well but choose to remain in the relationship. I don’t think I can ever understand what goes on in their mind. Thank you for sharing your incredible writing skills to tell us someone’s story.